Eleanor Munson, PhD

Dallas Educational Consultants

dallas

Swimming Upstream

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fish upstreamAs a parent and a professional, I was struck by a podcast of Think I listened to this week.   Krys Boyd interviewed Dr. Madeline Levine, author of Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success.  Dr. Levine is a psychologist with over 30 years experience and co-founder of Challenge Success, a program at the Stanford School of Education that provides families and schools with tools to raise healthy, capable kids without undue stress and pressure.  The topics raised in her book and discussed in the podcast are compelling, and I want to share them now in case you don’t have a chance to listen and while there’s still a little time to reflect before school starts.

“Does the focus on our children’s early achievements get in the way of the real work of childhood?”  Krys Boyd opens the discussion with this provocative question.  In today’s world, the unspoken expectation has been placed on kids that they need to be great at everything, says Dr. Levine.  She is incredulous that silver and bronze medal winners at the Olympics are saddened and upset by what they consider their ‘sub-par’ performance.  Being 2nd or 3rd in the entire world is not good enough?!?  The intensive training and competitive spirit Olympic athletes practice is filtering down to middle and high school (and in some Dallas private schools, it’s going as far down as elementary school).  It is not unusual in our area for 3rd or 4th graders to have private trainers or coaches, along with the coaching they get at their regular sports practices.  Levine cites research that 3% of high school athletes will play in college while only .03% will make it to the Olympics or the pro’s.  That’s something to consider when you’re driving your child to her select team soccer practice.

But it’s not just sports where kids feel compelled to be the best.  For many families, an A is the only grade that is acceptable, Levine notes.  It used to be that C was average; B was above average, and A was special.  There were plenty of B and C students and that was fine.  Those kids went to college, embarked on their careers, and have rewarding and enriching lives.  In fact, ‘those kids’ refer to many of us (me included).  Think back to your life growing up.  Were you exceptional in all you undertook?  I know for me the answer is a resounding NO.

In Dallas, as with other places in the country, the parental peer pressure to have high-achieving children at the best schools can be intense.  I see it in my educational consulting practice when prospective clients ask me for my record of getting students into the top private schools.  There is steep competition for these prestigious spots.  When I’m asked such a question, I know I am not the right consultant for that family.  My focus is finding the school that is best for each child, so he or she will be in an environment where they feel comfortable enough to open up and take risks.

So back to Krys Boyd’s initial question.  What is the real work of childhood?  Levine believes that childhood is all about crafting your internal self.  Kids need time to explore, reflect, and imagine their future selves.  When parents are over-invested in their children and micro-manage their lives, it denies kids the opportunity to get to know themselves.

Levine says that parents have the mistaken idea that if they can get all the external things about their children just right (straight A’s, stellar SAT scores, team captain, etc.) that their children are ‘set’ for life.  Unfortunately, though, being a successful, exceptional child does not predict success and happiness in adulthood.  Instead, people who do well in life find something they love and become great at it, but the amount of time it takes to do this is highly variable.

The best thing parents can do, Levine suggests, is allow kids to explore their world with love and support, but without hovering…to let them grow up.  Levine believes that one of the most important factors in raising happy, healthy kids is non-interference.  Have faith in yourself, your child, the system, and trust that since it worked out for you, it can work out for your children.

© Eleanor Munson, PhD. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Eleanor Munson, PhD is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Munson, PhD with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Dallas Private School Admissions, The Private School Tour

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Eleanor Munson, PhDAs I discussed in my last blog post, the best way to get a feel for a school is to take a tour.  I highly recommend visiting as many schools as you can.  Many parents will tour as many as five or six schools before they start applying.  A school tour does not lock you into anything.  Think of a tour as window shopping – you see what is out there with no requirement to buy, or, in this case, apply.

Different kinds of tours

Every school structures its visiting day differently.  Some schools like Trinity Christian Academy offer frequent tours while others like Cistercian Preparatory School have two open houses during the school year, but offer individual campus tours by appointment.  See the Dallas private school tour chedule for more details.  Schools may offer an evening open house or a coffee during the school day so that you can see the kids in action.  Almost all schools offer some type of tour.  Tours may be led by a student, parent, head of the school, or the admission director.  Usually, there is a program or question & answer session either before or after the tour.  If, after attending one of these events, you don’t feel like you learned enough about the school OR if there is a school you are interested in that doesn’t have any tours for prospective parents listed, then feel free to call the admissions office and request a one-on-one meeting.

Choosing schools to tour

How do you know what schools to visit?  Refer to my previous post for tips on how to get started.  You can get referrals and information from a number of different sources:

      • Your child’s current school.  If your child is in a school that only offers a limited number of grades, it is assumed all children will leave the school.  Your child’s teachers can steer you to schools they think will be a good fit for your child.
      • Parents you know.  Talk to other parents you know, trust, and who know your child.  Those who have been through this process before can be especially helpful.
      • Attend the Dallas Private School Preview offered every fall.  This is an annual event where representatives from most Dallas private schools have booths, provide brochures and answer questions.  It should not replace a school tour, but provides good, basic information that all parents need.
      • Work with an educational consultant.  There are professional consultants in Dallas, like me, that provide advice every step of the way through the private school admissions process to simplify your life, reduce stress, and hopefully get the result you want: an acceptance letter from the right school for your child!  Please contact me or do a Google search to find the top consultants in your area.

© Eleanor Munson, PhD. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Eleanor Munson, PhD is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Munson, PhD with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Summer – Doing Something vs. Doing Nothing….or a little of both

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summer 2011School is almost out and parents are scrambling to fill their child’s summer vacation with classes and camps, hopefully finding just the right combination to avoid hearing that awful refrain, “I’m bored.”  If you’re like me, my childhood summers were full of downtime, where things like biking to the library, playing sardines with friends in the neighborhood until dark, and lying on my bed listening to music were the norm.  Sure, you could go to summer camp or take a tennis class, but the offerings for kids were nowhere near what they are today.  So more must mean better then, right?

In today’s world, it’s easy to think so.  In a child-centered culture such as ours, many parents have jumped on the fast train, believing that they have to make every moment of their child’s life “count.”  They must take every opportunity to enrich their child from babyhood on up because if they don’t, their child will lose their edge…and their chance at Harvard.  The peer pressure that parents experience is tremendous.  It makes it exceedingly difficult to let your child just “be.”

However, there is ample research to suggest that creativity emerges, and we actually do our best thinking when we “do nothing.” Free time gives kids time to recharge their batteries, explore their world, and nurture their inner life.  The American Academy of Pediatrics stresses that, “free and unstructured play is healthy and – in fact essential – for helping children reach important social, emotional, and cognitive developmental milestones, as well as helping them manage stress and become resilient.”

How to downshift

Leading a frenzied, harried life is not a must-do for parents….or children.  If you want to slow down, take stock of the summer months.  Look at your calendar, allow yourself to fantasize about the perfect summer, and leave some blanks…for free time.  Of course, everyone’s circumstances are different (ex. some working parents rely on summer camps for child-care, some children have a high activity level and need more stimulation), so plan accordingly.

Involving your child in the decision-making will likely help your children to feel more invested in the camps/classes they participate it.  At a quiet moment, talk to your child about their interests.  What might they like to try?  Suggest some classes they may not be familiar with.  Do they want to be inside working with legos or outside on the soccer field?  Your child’s input will help them get the most out of the time they spend away from home.

Lastly, just say “yes”….to free time.  Here are some suggestions for promoting downtime:

  • Talk to your kids about downtime.  Explain the benefits of free time to your kids and let them know that it’s a very important part of having a healthy life.
  • Turn off (and hide if you have to) the remotes/DS’s/cell phones/etc.  Accept that there will be push back.  Will there be complaining?  Yes.  Will it last forever?  No.  Soon your child will get involved with something….or may just sit in their room and do nothing.
  • Have craft materials on hand….  Have things like Model Magic, paint and paper, Dot Art Markers, materials for decoupage,  and Wikki Stix in your home.  Perler Beads are a favorite in our house.  Lakeshore Learning Store is a great place to stock up on ‘open-ended’ toys and craft materials.
  • Bring out the board games.  For some family downtime, have a marathon “game day” in your pj’s.
  • Open your back door and encourage your kids to play outside.

Creating a balanced summer for your children requires planning with intent.  Give yourself permission to buck the over-scheduling trend, and watch your kids thrive.

© Eleanor Munson, PhD. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Eleanor Munson, PhD is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Munson, PhD with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.